Can't sleep

mind racing with self-pity thoughts...
feeling sorry for the entrapment I have enslaved myself in...
the mistakes I have made - the financial fiasco
that I continue to live everyday.
the piles of crap that lie around me.

yes, I'm putting this into words.
yes, I'm putting this out into the world.

reality is reality.
this is what exists for me now.

I have to look at this.
I have to open my eyes, and acknowledge what is around me,
and the way that I AM LIVING NOW.

or I will have no chance of ever changing.

I am still doubtful of those that say
to never say anything negative.
to never acknowledge the aspects of your life you don't want...
for what you say, will happen.

and so we dance around our words,
tiptoeing to a carefully orchestrated
positive way of hinting
to what is...

huh?

OH, my god... what is this?

why live like this?
that kind of bullshit
fancy wording
just isn't working.

these piles of shit are still around me...
the bills are still greater than the income...
I still get a steady paycheck,
that I steadily dwindle away towards liabilities
towards more bullshit.

maybe I want to be negative.
maybe I need to talk about this for a change.

I am sick of how I am living.

I am ashamed of where my money goes...
to the damn banks of America...
for things I so called "bought" in the past.

I just want to stop.
I want to shut it all off.
No phones.
No internet.
No clothes other than $2 jeans at the Salvation Army when my last pair tears.....
forget the bras
forget the birth control
forget the lattes
and the ice cream
and the fancy teas
and FUCK THE TV!

give me a roof
some heat
a blanket
a chair
some grains and veggies
clean water
and art supplies.

and let me be.