biting in my sleep...

OK, so what's this about?

no, really.... I'm asking you....

The other day, in my dream, I was upset with this guy, so I bit his face.
That's a little strange for me, since, as far as I can remember,
I don't just go around biting strange people for little irritations...

In any case...
I wake up to the shreek of my husband, whom apparently,
I had bit in real life.

Thankfully, it was his shoulder, and not his face....
but the poor guy...
that wasn't a little nibble.
That was a full on clench!

I can't imagine trusting me again...
I wouldn't sleep next to me after that...

usually it's just a blood curtling, sudden scream that wakes him
in the middle of the night...

not Jaws!

Can't sleep

mind racing with self-pity thoughts...
feeling sorry for the entrapment I have enslaved myself in...
the mistakes I have made - the financial fiasco
that I continue to live everyday.
the piles of crap that lie around me.

yes, I'm putting this into words.
yes, I'm putting this out into the world.

reality is reality.
this is what exists for me now.

I have to look at this.
I have to open my eyes, and acknowledge what is around me,
and the way that I AM LIVING NOW.

or I will have no chance of ever changing.

I am still doubtful of those that say
to never say anything negative.
to never acknowledge the aspects of your life you don't want...
for what you say, will happen.

and so we dance around our words,
tiptoeing to a carefully orchestrated
positive way of hinting
to what is...

huh?

OH, my god... what is this?

why live like this?
that kind of bullshit
fancy wording
just isn't working.

these piles of shit are still around me...
the bills are still greater than the income...
I still get a steady paycheck,
that I steadily dwindle away towards liabilities
towards more bullshit.

maybe I want to be negative.
maybe I need to talk about this for a change.

I am sick of how I am living.

I am ashamed of where my money goes...
to the damn banks of America...
for things I so called "bought" in the past.

I just want to stop.
I want to shut it all off.
No phones.
No internet.
No clothes other than $2 jeans at the Salvation Army when my last pair tears.....
forget the bras
forget the birth control
forget the lattes
and the ice cream
and the fancy teas
and FUCK THE TV!

give me a roof
some heat
a blanket
a chair
some grains and veggies
clean water
and art supplies.

and let me be.

Acknowledging reality

So it goes... nothing ever changes if you deny your present reality.
fear it, and it draws nearer...
deny it... and there it will remain.

I've been denying my reality for as long as I remember.

I guess you could say I was always striving to be something more than my current self.
But to spend your time wanting to be something else, while ignoring the beauty of where you are
and who you are...
basically means, you still have a lesson to learn.

Acknowledge the beauty that is within you right now.
Acknowledge the reality of your life as it is in the present moment.

One thing I know now... that I never wanted to admit to myself before:
I am undeniably... completely... and seemingly irreversibly...
involved in this rat race.

Tell me, please...

Can a rat be beautiful?

Wow... life swept me off my feet.

Nothing like the holidays to help you feel even more surrounded by "stuff" to do. January now, the 24th... and last Friday, I went to the North American International Auto Show in Detroit. This time, alone...
time to wander at my own, meandering pace.
nice.
and for the first time in a long time... a car has me passionate...
thinking of it...
looking forward to driving it!
and it's from GM - the company I work for...

it feels really good being able to support my own company with sincere enthusiasm!

love that Solstice.

thanks, Lutz!